Jem's Story

I don’t think it’s possible to put into words how Bobby and I actually felt when we were told that tragic and awful news about Mark’s death – numb, devastated, distraught, disbelief, shock, despair, all of those, but much, much more.

We were lucky, we had our family and friends around us, and they were wonderful, but they struggled, they didn’t know what to say or how to deal with our grief and my constant tears, because in those early days all I did was cry.

I desperately wanted to talk about Mark, my memories of him, the things he had done and the things that he would say and do, the things that made Mark, but everyone avoided mentioning his name. They thought it would upset me, but it upset even me more because they wouldn’t speak about him. Everyone would ask ‘How are you’? – but you can’t answer that; it’s  impossible.

In those early days, although surrounded by people, Bobby and I felt so alone and on our own. No one seemed to understand, but then again how could they? Bobby kept to himself and just said he was fine; he wasn’t, but maybe that was his way of coping.

As the days turned into weeks, that pain, that gap, that sense of loss just becomes part of your life. I don’t think it lessens any with time, I think it just becomes part of you. I did try counselling, but it didn’t work for me. What I really needed in those early months was someone to listen to me, someone to talk to, someone who could understand my pain and grief. So I just soldiered on, coping the best I could. I had good days and bad days.  Eventually as the weeks turned into months, and months into years, people did start to listen when we wanted to talk about Mark.

Even now, three years on there are times when I forget he is gone, and I think he is just away on a tour of duty and he will be back soon. I remember saying to him every time he left, ‘please, please be careful', and he would laugh and say, 'yeh, I will’.

There are days when I feel guilty, guilty for getting on with my everyday life, and think ‘why should I be happy’, but then I think Mark wouldn’t want me to sad and unhappy all the time. I do feel Mark here with me all the time, and I take great comfort in that.

Jem Wright